I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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