Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
