i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
