mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
