dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
