I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
