I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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