my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
