I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
what day is it and did you see me today?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
