Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
