Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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