Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
