You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
