I wish my penis had an off switch
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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