When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
