I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
