I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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