my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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