the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
