the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
