I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
