she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
