So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
