Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You made out with two different species that night
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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