Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
