ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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