New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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