I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
