i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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