did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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