just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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