the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
