Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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