i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize