I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
