there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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