I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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