I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
