guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
