Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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