They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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