1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize