if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
