I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
