I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
