You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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