god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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