So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
