Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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