I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
