The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
