I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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