im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
