so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
