His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
