You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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