u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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