i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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